Gintama: Year 3 Class Z, Ginpachi Sensei, Lesson 1

Lesson 1: It’s Fine if You Don’t Get 100 Points on the Test, Even Your Cram School Teacher Says 70 Points is Fine, You Know?

If I held divine power, I would put the springtime of youth right at the end of human life.

Anatole France

If I could be god, I would add chocolate parfait to the school dinner menu, that’s what I’d do.

Sakata Ginpachi

*

Gintama high school.

It’s a strange name, but that’s just how it is, given that such school names do in fact exist. The thing is, in this world, I’d bet there’s probably schools with even stranger names.

Year 3 Class Z.

I want you to pronounce it as “zee”, not “zed.” Why, you ask? Because it sounds cooler that way. Doesn’t matter whether you’re the founder or the headmaster, whether it’s said or not said, I’m not sure why, but anyway, use “zee.” For those wondering “Class Z? Just how many students are in this school?” I’m afraid to say that the person responsible for such things isn’t currently available to comment.

The classroom.

This room isn’t so different from what you’re used to. There’s a sliding door at the front and back of the classroom, a teacher’s desk, student desks and chairs, those sorts of things. It’s not too different to what you see on the school dramas you watch on TV. However, if there is a weird thing about the room, it might just be the horizontal scroll hanging above the blackboard on the classroom’s front wall that reads “sugar content.”

Although it can’t be said that the characters on the scroll looks pretty, the calligraphy is, in its own way, filled with conviction. Why “sugar content?” “Cos the home room teacher is a sweet tooth, te-he,” a sweet answer like that should suffice. By the way, it should be noted that “sugar content” is also written on a scroll hanging on the rear classroom wall but as to why that’s the case, refer back to the previous answer.

Well, as I’m sure you can tell by now, Gintama High school is in a whole other ball park compared to your so called “normal high school.”

In the Year 3 Class Z classroom, sitting in the second front row and next to the hallway side, was Shimura Shinpachi.

*

It was 8:40 in the morning, with homeroom about to start in around five minutes. Shinpachi was in his seat resting his chin in his hands, gazing at what the other students were doing. The wide majority of them were out of their seats, really kicking up a fuss. It was a teacherless classroom that belonged to the students. The noisiness was only natural. But even so, thought Shinpachi, aren’t there too many weirdos in this class?

Take for example, the seat to the left of Shinpachi’s from the row in front.

“Hey bitch, those are my Sir Tako wieners you’re stuffing yourself with there!” a transfer student from China, Kagura was in a bad mood from having to get up so early in the morning. Although seeming like a cute girl on first sight, she was currently bending her neck down as if she was some delinquent from out of town. It appeared that a student had somehow stolen her side-dish wieners just as she about to have an early lunch break.

“Oh c’mon, Kagura,” said Shinpachi visibly fed up. “It’s way too early to be having a lunch break. And like how can a side-dish wiener be a sir? I don’t get it!”

Being the straight man is something of a pastime for Shinpachi Shimura. It’s not like he decided to be the straight man, but with so many eccentric classmates around him, he wound up stuck in the role. Such was Shinpachi’s unfortunate fate.

“I only took ’bout this much wiener, so quit yer yappin’. In my country ‘Mr Tako wieners are for everyone, so don’t go mindlessly ’oggin’ ’em,’ is wot we say, ya got that?” Arguing back and forth with Kagura was Catherine, who was also a transfer student. With imposing eyebrows and thick lips, not even her cat ears could offset the overwhelmingly violent aura she gave off.

“Stop pulling out sayings I don’t get! If you’ll allow me to speak, in my country they say that ‘Cat ear girls are to be immediately executed, and that a favourite colour is beige.’ Also they’re not Mr Takos, they’re Sir Takos!” bellowed Kagura.

What’s up with her tako obsession anyhow? Or maybe she’s just into side-dish wieners? Like I care, thought Shinpachi.

To the left of Kagura and Catherine’s farce was Disciplinary Committee member Sogo Okita chatting with fellow member Toshiro Hijikata who was in the seat behind Okita. With that chestnut, rustling hair reflecting in his round eyes, the simple haired, sharp looking Hijikata faced the sweet looking, yet cold visage of Okita. The two are certainly lookers, although as you’ll soon discover, they’re 3Z students for a reason.

“Hey, Sogo,” said Hijikata in a quiet voice.

“What’s up, Hijikata?” replied Okita, throwing his feet out onto the pathway and messing around on his phone, his voice also quiet.

“Sogo, you know about my mayo rice, right?”

“You mean that culinary abomination of yours?”

“Shut up, what’s abominable about it? I mean, there isn’t a day I go without it.”

“I know that. So what’s up with your mayo rice anyhow?” said Okita, still messing about on his phone.

With a sigh, Hijikata continued to talk. “Well actually, I successfully improved my mayo rice last night. I haven’t let anyone know about it yet.” Okita wasn’t interested. “It’s good, so listen up. If you add a certain something to mayo rice, it becomes tasty like you wouldn’t believe. You wanna know what that something is, right?”

“Oh, I got a reply. Yeah, sounds amazing, tell me all about it.”

“You sure as hell don’t look interested. Ugh, fine then, I’ll just tell you. Here’s the thing…” Hijikata paused for a moment. Carrying a smug air of superiority about him, he then continued. “It’s oil…from a tuna can.”

Having listened in without really listening, Shinpachi’s eyes involuntarily closed half way. Wh-whatever rocks your boat… Is that it? Tuna can oil? I really don’t see how that’s got to do with anything, like at all.

“It’s not the tuna from the tuna can. It’s the oil…from the tuna can. That’s what’s lacking in the mayo lunch.”

Why was there a pause between “oil” and “tuna can?” Why???

“You don’t look too impressed, Sogo,” there was an unsatisfied look in Hijikata’s eyes.

“It’s not like that really. If I’m feeling tempted later on, I’ll give it a go.”

“You’re so full of shit,” after Hijikata tutted his lips, Okita shifted his gaze.

“By the way, Sogo, were you texting someone just now?”

“Ah, you mean this? It’s a dating site. I know they’ve got a reputation as a hotspot for dumb and ugly people, but I thought I’d just kill some time.”

“I see. Still, something’s bothering me here. Isn’t that my cell phone?”

“Yeah, it’s for the dating site. I wouldn’t use my cell phone for those kinda things now, would I?”

“I see. That does make sense… Hey, you got a death wish?!” said Hijikata, who sprinted out of his desk to catch Okita in a stranglehold.

Well that was dumb… thought Shinpachi as he observed their back and forth. Then, at that very moment, the sliding door at the back of the classroom suddenly crashed open.

“Otaeeeeeee!”

The idiot screaming out loud at such an unreasonable time in the morning was Isao Kondo. He could be described as “a gorilla putting on a tough face,” although it wouldn’t reflect his more sensitive side. But whatever virtues he may or may not possess, he is the chairman of the Disciplinary Committee, with Hijikata and Okita by his side as his two most trusted members. Kondo, who had just entered the classroom, immediately rushed over to Tae Shimura’s seat, who as you can guess is Shinpachi’s older sister.

“No no, Otae. You’re looking all the more beautiful on this fine morning. Your navy blue sailor uniform is more like a dress made of pure gold. Ahahaha!” Kondo himself felt that he had unveiled an A+ pick-up line. However, Tae gave him the cold shoulder while she looked through her magazine (which incidentally happened to be a special edition titled “Check out these killer strategies! Get those older, fashionable guys splashing that cash for you in no time!”)

“Maybe you just got some excess energy from the morning, Kondo, but I’ve told you several times already. Could you please stop calling me such an old-fashioned name like ‘Otae?’ We’re third year high school students now.”

No, don’t do that! thought Shinpachi, whose face twitched in reaction. This isn’t like tweaking graphics settings in a video game, this is 3Z! Doing what you’re doing will only deepen this rabbit hole of a conversation.

“Whoops my bad! I guess I can’t escape these ‘Gintama’ habits after all, hahahaha!”

“Wait, are you really doing this?! Don’t just use the original series as an excuse for your bullshit!” Ignoring Shinpachi, who was face-palming himself, Kondo started up his conversation with Tae once again.

“Well, since you’re a high school student, ‘Otae’ just seems too antique, doesn’t it? Right, what can we do about this? How about the name ‘TaeTae?’”

“Don’t joke around. I will kill you, you know?” replied Tae who was still focused on her magazine.

“So it’s no good? Right then, how does ‘Taerin’ sound?”

“Sounds like an energy drink ingredient, doesn’t it? I will kill you, you know?”

“So that’s not to your liking as well? Okay, how about ‘Taetan?’ It feels sort of sweet.”

“It’s the end of the world, isn’t it? Like, I will kill you.”

“Still no good? Well ‘Taetin Taentino’ sounds pretty—” It was at this point that Tae’s patience had run dry.

“You persistent little bastaaaaaard!” with her enraged voice rising and magazine in hand, she smashed Kondo’s face in. It sounded less like a whack and more like more a hammer, due to the fact that Tae had used the pointy edge of the magazine.

“Woah! Ow! Pointy! Otae! It’s pointy! It’s going to kill me! I never knew paper could be so deadly! Guaaaaah!” within three minutes of entering the classroom, the contemptible Kondo had walked himself straight into a bloodbath. Despite this, Shinpachi had not even the slightest sympathy. He would go to school every morning to witness a scene just like this one.

Believe it or not, there are also students in 3Z who quietly seclude themselves away in their own little worlds. Take for example, the seat in front of Kagura, which belongs to a long haired male student, Kotaro Katsura. Currently he was by himself, facing his desk and writing something down. Intrigued by this, Shinpachi tried asking him about it.

“Hey, Katsura. What are you writing there?” quickly turning to face Shinpachi, Katsura said, “This,” holding a desk-wide notebook with both hands to show Shinpachi. In it was a mysterious creature drawn with an incredible amount of realism. Mysteriously, the non-speaking creature looked identical to that of a penguin ghost. Or to put it in slightly more detailed terms, it had a duck’s face combined with a penguin’s body. It was a creature with an extremely unorthodox appearance.

“Don’t you know what it is?” asked Katsura. “It’s my pet, Elizabeth.”

“I know what it is…”

I know what it is, but there’s nothing I can say about it. You drew that in your notebook? And why did you draw it so realistically? Ah, you just laughed a little bit. Why with the laughing? thought Shinpachi as he responded with an awkward laugh, averting his gaze from Katsura. Shinpachi couldn’t understand what Katsura from his point of view had in mind. Prying into it any further would be ill-advised.

In a seat to the left of Katsura’s, Taizo Hasegawa was browsing through a part-time job magazine with an earnest expression on his face. His only notable features were his sunglasses and the beard on his chin, with his old man like appearance attributed to the fact that he really is an old man. “I’m not going to find a part time job with an hourly wage above 1000 yen, not unless I take a midnight shift,” his ever so slightly gloomy murmuring could be heard quite prominently.

However, at the seat furthest back in Hasegawa’s line, a single male student was silently immersing himself in knitting. It can’t be said, however, that the scene really inspired an “ahh, what a warm morning glow” kind of vibe.

This student goes by the name of Hedoro, whose face becomes ridiculously scary up close. It makes you think of the heroic complexions of the Kamakura period’s Buddhist sculptures that are highly dignified in nature, but also putting it bluntly, have a rather demon like aura. A lion-like mane covers him from the back of his head and all round his neck, with a pair of horns on his temple that curve like a water buffalo’s. This mismatch of monster and master knitter makes him quite the enigma. Still, in Hedoro’s defence, he is graceful and amiable, loves flowers and animals to name a few, and abhors all conflict.

Right, as I’m sure you can all tell by now, the place known as Class 3Z is a sanctuary for such characters. Even outside of the characters introduced just now, the class is swarming with strong students, and to be honest, the place feels more like a demented amusement park than a school classroom.

Today is the first day after all, it would be great if I could get through it without anything too eventful happening… thought Shinpachi who quietly pushed his glasses back up.

Immediately afterwards, Kagura’s very loud, booming voice echoed throughout the room.

“You shithead cat-eared wretch! I’m going to chew you up like a meatball!”

“Would ya just shut yer mouth ’bout chewing me like a meatball or wotever!”

Wait, are they still going at it?!

Just as Shinpachi was taken aback by this, Kagura brandished her right hand in a grand fashion. She intended to aim her punch at Catherine who was standing in front of her seat, but as Kagura went in for the hit, Catherine dodged. Unfortunately for Katsura, he sits in the seat in front of Kagura, resulting in her landing a critical blow on the back of his head. As Katsura laid face down silently on his desk, a pulsating bump rose from the back of his head.

And now, back to Tae’s fiery outburst.

“Just get away from my damn seat alreadyyyyyy!” Tae and Kondo’s battle (which was more like a one-sided beatdown) still raged on. “It’s already that time of the month for me, and I’m not in the mood for your shit!” in sync with her voice, Tae violently threw the fashion magazine. Naturally it was aimed at Kondo’s face, but he promptly dodged it as if it had the killing power of a destructo disc.

It then scored a direct hit on the back of Hasegawa’s head. “Sigh, this is short term, no surprise there…gawaah!” Hasegawa fell face first onto his desk, his magazine covered with blood. Immediately after that happened,

“Sadistic little prick, you were making a suicide pact on the internet just now, weren’t you?!”

“Look, Hijikata, all I wrote was ‘I’d like to see what a real red spider lily looks like…’”

“Which you can only do when you’re dead! The hell kinda wish is that?!” said Hijikata, pursuing the fleeing Okita.

It’s hopeless… thought Shinpachi. Wishing that things would just be peaceful and quiet doesn’t fly in Year 3 Class Z. It’s in these idiots’ nature to raise hell. Words can’t really do justice to such a dysfunctional class. “…Just look at it, the class is in utter meltdown,” Shinpachi muttered to himself.

It was then that the sliding door at the front of the classroom suddenly opened. Standing there was a single man. From his glasses to his white lab coat and necktie, everything on this curly silver-haired man looked untidy, with the cigarette in his mouth only further adding to the effect.

“Shut it, it’s almost nine in the god damn morning. Do you think you’re in second year of Junior High, you rowdy bastards?”

The man in question was none other than Class 3Z’s homeroom teacher, Ginpachi Sakata.

*

He’s, well, how would you put it, the complete antithesis of a teacher. That’s the kind of man Ginpachi Sakata is. Whether it’s in the classroom or wherever, he’ll be calmly smoking away at a cigarette. And that’s not mentioning his dead fish eyes either. He didn’t look like an educator by any stretch of the imagination.

“I mean, c’mon now. It shouldn’t take 19 pages until I even get introduced. My name’s on the damn book, you know!” he said restlessly. Whether it’s his unruly looks, abnormal nature, or zero PTA credibility; this man largely deviates from the teacher mould, whatever way you look at it.

Nonetheless, it was a fact that this teacher was endowed with a mystifyingly powerful presence, because when he entered the classroom like he just did, all the noisy students got back to their seats and faced his direction without a second thought. Once Ginpachi dumped the register book down on his desk, he spoke in his usual listless voice.

“Okay, let’s start homeroom. Whoever’s on day duty, give out the orders,” Shinpachi then remembered that he was up for today’s day duty.

“Ah, right. Sta—,” Ginpachi cut him off before he could even start.

“Ah wait, from today the orders are ‘stand up,’ ‘attention,’ ‘bow,’ and ‘Gintama.’”

“You’re not serious, right?” however much Shinpachi objected, he knew that it wouldn’t get him anywhere. He began once again to call out the orders. But then, Katsura’s voice rose up.

“Sensei! I don’t get the point behind replacing ‘sit down’ with ‘Gintama!’”

“The point?” scowled Ginpachi at Katsura, with one eyebrow raised, “The point is written in a hidden page within your student diary. You’ll find it there.”

The calls of “Sensei!” continued and before he knew it, the round glasses wearing Kagura raised her hand.

“But Sensei, I exchanged my student diary for toilet paper!”

“How much toilet paper did you receive for that tiny diary? You’d have probably got more if you’d just exchanged yourself.”

“Sensei!” this time coming from Hijikata. “I just looked at Okita’s student diary, and on the blank pages he wrote my name and left lots of X marks next to them!”

“Are you some bullied occult kid or what?” said Ginpachi to Okita.

“Nah, it’s just my stress coping mechanism.”

About time I made a move, thought Shinpachi, as he opened his mouth. If these shenanigans carried on unabated, then he wouldn’t be able to get anywhere with the orders.

“Stand up—” the students followed his orders.

“Attention.”

“Bow.”

“Gintama.”

The meek Shinpachi had completed the remaining orders. Once all of the students had taken their seats, Ginpachi had something to say.

“Right, that was less funny than I thought it was going to be. We’ll go back to normal tomorrow morning.”

You’ve dropped it already?! Shinpachi thought, but didn’t openly say.

“Uuuh, right then, onto this morning’s homeroom agenda,” suggested Ginpachi. Squinting through the smoke from his cigarette, he turned around to pick up the chalk. As the banging of the chalk got louder, letters filled with ennui appeared on the blackboard:

The early-term test

After he finished saying and writing that down in sync, Ginpachi turned around and faced the students.

“…Is coming next week. For the early-term test, you guys will have to score 80 points or above in at least one subject. If you don’t, then starting the week after the next, all my lessons will be centred around running marathons.”

“Huuuh?!” cried the whole class.

“Class dismissed,” said Ginpachi who was about to leave the classroom.

“W-wait Sensei!” in his own flustered panic, Shinpachi caught his tongue. No matter how you looked at it, Ginpachi’s words didn’t contain anywhere near enough explanation.

“What do you mean by all this? We have to get 80 points or above?”

“Correct. If you don’t achieve at least that, then starting the week after the next, all of you guys will run till you get a runner’s high.”

“No, Sensei, you’re just a Japanese language teacher. How are you going to implement your usual lessons into marathons?!”

“I mean, I could make you guys recite the Man’yoshu while you run marathons?”

“Wouldn’t that just make it even more difficult?! What would be the point in doing that?!”

“Sensei! Please let us read the Kokin Wakashu instead of the Man’yoshu!” shouted Kondo in protest.

“Either one’s fin—I mean either one’s terrible!” pointed out Shinpachi, causing Ginpachi to turn around and face him.

“Sensei, if you don’t explain the reason for all this, then we aren’t going to accept it!”

“Well if you say so,” Ginpachi returned to his desk, scratching his head. “You see, I was called to the Headmaster’s office this morning…” said Ginpachi who had begun to speak but then stopped. “You know, it’d be pretty boring if I just recite the whole thing by myself. I think this calls for a flashback scene. Read it after the *.”

“Hey, since when did you become the writer of this novel?!” shouted Shinpachi. With his protests coming to no avail, it was time for the flashback.

*

The Headmaster’s office wasn’t anything particularly unusual: In the centre of the room was a sofa and centre table, with a window situated in the back behind the Headmaster’s desk. At the desk was the (god only knows what number) Gintama High School Headmaster—Hata. The complexion of his face was a horrid purple colour. From above his forehead was an antenna that lightly waggled in front, and big, rounded curly hair that curved around the bottom of his bald head. His eyebrows had a noble round form to them, along with his khaki-peanut like eyes that look devoid of any loving qualities. By the side of such a Headmaster was the shades wearing geezer Vice-Head Otsuki, who had a most unamused look on his face.

It was 8:30 in the morning. After the morning meeting in the staffroom, Ginpachi was called out to the Headmaster’s office. “…Look, I’m going to be straight with you, Sakata Sensei,” Headmaster Hata cut straight to the point. “The students in your class have been receiving terrible grades. I mean, look at these test scores. I’ve seen child actors whose ages are higher than these scores. And they’ve been hammering out similarly average scores for every single test they’ve done,” said Headmaster Hata, with a viscous quality to his voice.

“I know that. I am their homeroom teacher, you know?” responded Ginpachi who was reclined into the sofa, smoking a complimentary cigar that was placed on the table.

“I mean, it didn’t seem like he listened to a word I said, did he?” Looking at the Headmaster’s quietly seething rage, the Vice-Head loudly rebuked back at Ginpachi.

“Sakata Sensei, take this more seriously!”

“Fiiine, jeez,” Ginpachi took out a handful of cigars from the table to put in his pocket, and then stood up in front of the Headmaster’s desk.

“You are robbing me of fresh air, you do realise? Well, enough about that…” when the Headmaster finished his small cough, the conversation went on. “Anyway, if your students’ academic performance carries on as it is, it’ll affect the other classes’ morale. They’re in the same school, and yet it’s only your students who are idiots, right? Or perhaps, they’re morons, right? Or, rather, they’re imbeciles, right? That’s what they seem like, right?”

“Well, what are we going to do about it then, Principal?”

“It’s Headmaster. Anyway, I was thinking you should take more of a hard line with the students.”

“A hard line… You don’t mean that if the grades fall…” Ginpachi gulped before continuing, “I should give them a slap on the wrist?”

“Ah, now those were the good old days, though the only thing getting slapped would be that pea brain of yours. I’ve actually got something different in mind,” slamming an antsy fist on his desk, the Headmaster began his explanation. “In the next early term test, all of the class will have to get 80 points or above in at least one subject. If they aren’t able to pass the test…”

“Slap on the wrist.”

“I just ruled that out.”

“Then a flick to the forehead.”

“No. I’m begging you, just listen to me.”

The Headmaster fixed his posture, and then carried on. “If they cannot pass the test, all of class 3Z will have to go to school on the weekend for supplementary lessons!” the Headmaster then thrusted his finger at Ginpachi. “Aaand, Sakata Sensei, I’ll cut your salary by 20%!”

“Huh?! But…” Ginpachi had both eyes wide open, “A 20% cut?!” in a fit of rage, he tore off the Headmaster’s antenna.

“Owowowow! Why did you tear it off?! Why, forget a 20% cut, this calls for a 100% cut! Consider it compensation for ripping off my precious antenna…” the Headmaster was screaming in pain as blood poured from his forehead. However, Ginpachi ignored all of that, continuing his speech,

“Stop joking around here. It’s those idiots’ fault they’re idiots. Why cut my salary?!”

“Well it can’t be helped now,” said the Headmaster while taking short breaths. “If you can’t do that much at the least, then Class 3Z will become a burden, an embarrassment, to the school. It is your responsibility as their homeroom teacher to prevent that,” Ginpachi was, for a brief period, speechless.

“So you’ve already decided on this?”

“That’s right.”

“I mean…this is what you’ve decided on?”

“That’s right. After all, I’m the Headmaster. I’m the distinguished one here, you know.”

“…That’s fine by me then, bloody Headmaster.”

“You’re the one who made me ‘bloody.’”

“Get 80 points in at least one subject? Fine, I’ll go ahead and do it. But I mean, weekend supplementary lessons? 20% pay cut? Tch, with such a half-arsed punishment like that, you must be taking the piss. Don’t just make it weekends, put those supplementary lessons on weekdays too and give me a 10% pay cut, that’ll do me good, that will.”

“Oh please, it’s obvious you’re just trying to cut yourself a better deal,” the Headmaster kept a sneering eye on Ginpachi.

It was here that the Vice-Head butted into the conversation. “But how about we do it, Headmaster? For all the trouble Sakata Sensei has caused us, he has made us a proposal. In fact, he’s the one offering to hold supplementary lessons on weekdays.”

“Well, how about it, Sakata Sensei?” the Headmaster faced Ginpachi with an appraising glance.

“I don’t really care. Just change my pay cut to 10%.”

“You’re certainly persistent on that. It’s almost like you care more about your pay than your students.”

“Well duh.”

“That settles it then. I’ll start getting next week’s early term tests ready. All of the students in class 3Z must get 80 points or above in at least one subject. If they are unable to clear that hurdle, they will all attend supplementary lessons every single day. And then, as their homeroom teacher, you will get a 10% pay cut. Do we have a deal?”

“It’s a deal, Bloody Headmaster.”

“Uh, that bloodiness is only because of you, remember?” said the Headmaster, who wiped the blood off his forehead, and put on a bold smile. “Well, I look forward to the upcoming results,” Ginpachi didn’t return the reply, and left the Headmaster’s office.

*

“And that’s how things went down. Class dismissed,” said Ginpachi as he tried to exit the classroom.

“Class isn’t dismissed, you know!” cried Shinpachi as blood vessels protruded on the back of his neck, “The hell kinda convenient deal is that supposed to be?!”

“That’s right!”

“He’s right!”

“Everyone’s right, yeah!”

“No doubt ’bout it!”

From all corners of the classroom, there was ever increasing criticism.

“All you did was shrewdly cut yourself a better deal at our expense, Sensei!” said Hijikata. Kondo continued after him,

“Yeah. And thanks to your lopsided deal, we’re going to be stuck doing supplementary lessons on weekdays and weekends!”

“What he said, yeah! In my country, we have this saying, yeah, that goes ‘Weekday supplementary lessons are a no-no, and that a hated colour is pea-green!’”

“If we’re killing time in after school hours on weekdays, I won’t have time to take Elizabeth for a walk!”

“I mean, if all this happens, then I can’t get employed. Those supplementary lessons aren’t going to pay me an hourly wage.”

“Screw you!”

“Complain to the Headmaster!”

“Chuck that deal in the bin!”

“Curly silver-haired prick!”

“Perm head!”

“Go back to being an anime skit!”

…And on it went. The booing from the students was continuing to escalate. However, the seemingly endless booing could only keep Ginpachi speechless for so long.

“Shut up, all of you!” threatened Ginpachi, bending his neck like a delinquent from out of town. “Since when did you all start being victims, you whiny bastards?! You all going to set up a press conference for the plain suit reporters, eh?”

With that cold, cutting tone of his, the hailstorm of booing died down for the time being. Ginpachi laid both hands down on his desk, and after a sigh mixed in with all the cigarette smoke, “Look, you guys need to put your hand on your heart, the girls both hands, and be honest with yourselves about how you ended up in this situation.”

“That’s sexual harassment, Sensei,” the female students complained.

“Anyway, getting back to the point,” continued Ginpachi, “this whole sorry mess is all because you imbeciles have brains the size of a pea. I don’t have a pea brain, so how could that balding bastard talk about cutting my salary?!”

“But Sensei,” Shinpachi politely tried to say, “you could try complaining to the Headmaster, you know? Maybe have him lower the minimum score, or at least have him keep the supplementary lessons to the weekend, or—” before Shinpachi could end his speech,

“Don’t speak so pitifully,” said Ginpachi as he shut Shinpachi out. “Listen up, you miserable lot. You don’t have to get 80 points in all subjects, it only has to be in one subject. That’s all. Just give it all you got.”

“That’s impossible!”

“That’s unreasonable!”

“I can’t do that!”

“People ’ave fings they can an’ cannot do, an’ this is the lat’er!”

So went the near instant replies of the students.

“It’s not impossible. I believe in you guys,” said Ginpachi with a nod, continuing off once again. “Because remember…you guys are a bunch of bad apples! Ah, that’s not what I meant, I misspoke!”

“Wait, did you really misspeak? Like, how the hell do you misspeak that?! Apologise to Kinpachi Sensei! Apologise to your real-life inspiration, you fraud! Also, it’s bad oranges, not bad apples!” the students’ retorts this morning had quite a lot of bite.

“Ah shut up! Shut up! Shut up! In any case!” said Ginpachi glaring at the students. “For afternoon homeroom, we will hold an emergency test strategy meeting. Class Dismissed.”

Ginpachi then exited the classroom scratching his arse through his white lab coat.

*

“Ho, ho, ho. Good, good. What a wonderful development,” at his desk, Headmaster Hata was gazing at the footage of 3Z being displayed on his laptop.

“Ah, what’s this?” responded the Vice-Head who was on the sofa reading Business Jump.

“You know, Business Jump is great and all, but come have a look here, Vice-Head.” The Headmaster changed the direction of his laptop so it could be seen by the Vice-Head standing in front of him.

“Is this CCTV footage?” asked the Vice-Head while looking at the display.

“Yes. In the 3Z classroom, you see, there’s a surveillance camera that’s set up in quite the sneaky manner.”

“You’ve just raised a whole lotta questions, just so ya know.”

“It’d be great if it could get some clearer footage. Also, cease that casual talk.”

“My bad. I mean, I apologise… So, what’s this footage supposed to show?”

“Isn’t it obvious? Look. Look at the unsatisfied looks on those students’ faces. Moreover, you can hear it, can’t you? All their moany complaining,” said the Headmaster with a few chuckles. “I mean who can blame them, really? If I was suddenly listening to such a story first thing in the morning, I’d also want to complain about it,” the Headmaster’s eyes glistened as he snickered to himself. Everything was going exactly as he imagined it would. He was in the mood to be singing his own praises.

3Z had to score 80 points or above in at least one subject in the early term test. If they couldn’t do it, supplementary lessons would follow, and then their homeroom teacher gets a salary cut.

The Headmaster wasn’t at all motivated to set up those conditions by 3Z’s declining academic performance. He was motivated by something else entirely.

His hatred of Ginpachi.

With his silver, naturally curly hair, drooping glasses, and dead fish eyes, Ginpachi Sakata had none of the elements that made up a typically popular personality.

Still, for whatever reason, the apathetic teacher was managing to do a decent job of getting the students on his side. If Ginpachi was the funny man, then his students were collectively the straight man; with the opposite also being true. From what he could tell, it felt as if class 3Z was pretty united. He also found that a small portion of the girls considered Ginpachi’s devil may care attitude to be really cool. The Headmaster was not pleased about this.

How? How is that completely listless man winning over the students? I really… Really, no matter how I hard I try, I don’t receive even one measly chocolate on Valentine’s Day. I don’t get a love letter put into my shoe cupboard. I mean, are there even any girls who put love letters in shoe cupboards nowadays? Not only that, I’m stuck with that repulsive geezer Vice-Head as a partner.

In any case, the Headmaster did not approve of Ginpachi. He really quite despised him. It was those kind of petty, little grievances that caused his plan to take shape.

The Class 3Z students, who possessed nothing but Bavarian cream like grey matter, at first found the idea of scoring 80 points or above to be beyond their capabilities, even though they only had to do well in one subject. It looked like it was only a matter of time before Ginpachi’s salary got cut. His already meagre salary will be cut even further. Just imagine the damage to his morale, ho ho ho, thought the Headmaster, with the irony of his last conversation with Ginpachi completely lost on him. But despite that, with what the current surveillance camera footage was showing, it appeared that a rapidly rising discord was reverberating throughout Class 3Z. If they end up doing supplementary lessons on weekdays and the weekend, then those dumb students, not wanting to blame themselves, will undoubtedly make Ginpachi the target of their resentment. And if that happens, Ginpachi’s clout as a teacher will plummet. “Oh my, I just might be an absolute genius, ho ho ho,” laughed the Headmaster.

“I’m telling you, that’s a seriously nasty personality you got there. You’re a right jealous one, you are,” before he knew it, the Vice-Head returned back to sofa talking as well as reading Business Jump.

“And that’s why I don’t allow casual speech.”

“You sure love to yap, baldy… I’m sorry.”

“Uh, that outburst just now went beyond a mere slip of the tongue.”

“I’m sorry. I mean, look, I’m sure we can still get along…”

“Get along? Please, that’s my head you were talking about, that line of hair, uuuh wait, I definitely remember it…”

“But how could something you just forgot be that big a deal to ya?”

“And that is why I don’t allow you to speak so casually! I think I’m starting to understand what bloodlust feels like just a litt—!” in his overexcitement, the Headmaster’s wound on his forehead reopened, forcing him to apply another band-aid.

*

With the clapping of cheap sandals ringing, Ginpachi arrived at his desk. The afternoon homeroom session had begun. “Okay then, let’s get on with the ‘How do you do an early-term test? Emergency strategy meeting,’” said Ginpachi as he faced the blackboard with chalk in hand. The chalk clanged as he jotted down some words on the blackboard.

Conditions for clearing:
Get 80 points or above in any one subject.
Long hair and punks not allowed.

Having written those conditions down, Ginpachi put down the chalk.

“That’s the gist of it.”

“Sensei!” said Katsura instantly. “One of those conditions seem like recruitment criteria for rock band members! Does this mean I’m not allowed to do the test?”

“That long hair of yours, that’s what not allowed,” said Ginpachi. “Or maybe, that wig? I don’t care what it is, hurry up and get it cut or take it off.”

“Sensei, I really am going to sue you over this. I’ve already started prepping the paperwork as we speak.”

“Sensei! I can handle a guitar better than most. Can I enter the band?” said Kagura doing air guitar with a wooden spoon.

“You should first of all go to the library and investigate what a guitar is.”

“Sensei!” this time coming from Okita. “Often after the live concert ends, there’ll be band members wrecking the instruments, but in our band, I want to try wrecking piggy banks instead!”

“Now I wouldn’t have thought of that,” replied Ginpachi.

B-but how even… the alarm bells were ringing inside Shinpachi’s head.

“Sensei! Let’s make Otae the singer for the band!” said Kondo unsurprisingly. “Sh-she has an erotic, Kumi Koda like vibe to her. It could be her cleavage you might say,” however, before Kondo could continue on that tangent, from behind his back came Tae who approached him quietly like a shinobi. With her sailor uniform scarf, she constricted Kondo’s neck. “Aacch!” gargled Kondo as his skin turned a purplish blue.

“H-hold on, everyone!” stumbling over his own words, Shinpachi stood up.

“What’s up, Shinpachi? Looks like you have something you want to say,” said Ginpachi.

“No, there’s too much wrong to talk about here! What is going on with this discussion?! Isn’t this supposed to be about test strategies? How did this turn into a ‘let’s start a band!’ kind of discussion?!”

“Hey, now whose fault is that?” said Ginpachi making it seem like it wasn’t at all his fault.

“Uh, it’s yours! You’re the one who decided to write ‘long hair and punks not allowed’ on the blackboard!”

“Oh please. I was just messing around a little.”

“Our weekends are at stake here, remember?!”

“It’s as Shinpachi says,” rising up from his seat was, oh, Hedoro. “Let’s do this meeting properly, okay? Properly,” said Hedoro with the most evil looking facial expression.

“S-s-sure. Let’s do this meeting properly so you won’t properly do us in…” nodded Ginpachi as his face turned pale. And with that, the meeting was back to square one. “Well, that’s about it,” said Ginpachi as the ashes dropped from his cigarette. “Whatever methods you use, I don’t care, just as long as you get 80 points,” it then dawned on Ginpachi. “Whatever methods you use…” he repeated in an intensely sincere manner.

“Uuum, Sensei, are you seriously…” said Shinpachi listening in timidly.

“That’s it,” said Ginpachi with an evil-sounding laugh. “We’ll cheat.”

“Cheating?!”

“Cheating?!”

“Shining?!”

“Shaman king?!”

In spite of those last two shouts coming out of nowhere, the surprise in the students’ voices was evident. With that evil-sounding aura swelling up once again, Ginpachi answered back, “Of course, dear students. If we cheat on the test, getting those 80 points will be like taking candy from a baby.”

“Sensei! That’s child abuse!” said Kagura.

“It’s a simile,” replied Ginpachi bluntly.

“But Sensei, I really think we’re better off…not cheating,” said Shinpachi ending his objection with a whisper. He felt that he was the conscience of 3Z. But, despite being the straight man, he knew deep down that he didn’t necessarily have any more common-sense than the rest of the class.

“Are you dumb or what?” said Ginpachi in astonishment. “I mean seriously, this is a test strategy meeting. It basically amounts to cheating anyway, right?”

“That’s a hell of an equivalence right there!” Then, a voice suddenly rose up.

“Shinpachi,” looking over his shoulder, his older sister Tae was standing by his side.

“Sis…”

“Shinpachi…” with an expression that was oddly full of affection, Tae continued. “Aren’t you a man? If you really are, then how you going to do this without cheating in some way?”

“But Tae, not cheating in a test isn’t like taking a sword to a gun fight. I mean…”

“Is that your fear I see spilling out? Don’t worry. Just write down ‘spill’ three times on the palm of your hand, and there’s no way that fear will ever spill out.”

“Well that’s the first time I’ve heard about such a good luck charm! I mean, that sort of thing just isn’t going to work!”

“Look here, Shinpachi,” shouted Ginpachi. “This isn’t the time or place to be grumbling about trivial nonsense. Can’t stand the thought of supplementary lessons? What about me? I could be facing a damn salary cut over here.”

“Yeah, but…” realising that the whole class was now watching him, the hesitant Shinpachi was frozen stiff.

“Shinpachi!”

“C’mon, Shinpachi!”

“Just do it, Shinpachi!”

“Do it already, Pachi-boy!”

“Pachi-boy! Pachi-boy! Pachi-boy!”

“No no no, this is all wrong! You realise what cheating’s going to entail, right? To think that our homeroom teacher is encouraging them all…” Shinpachi fiercely complained, but the chanting of Pachi-boy didn’t stop. What is it with this class? Isn’t there anyone I can rely on? thought Shinpachi as his eyes scoped out the room. Then, upon looking at Hedoro’s seat, he had an idea. That’s it. The evil looking but kind hearted Hedoro. Surely he wouldn’t want to cheat… or so he thought.

“Shinpachi, let’s cheat our way through this together,” said Hedoro with an ominous sounding tone. Huh? You too, Hedoro? Wait, I get it now. He’s the type who values class harmony, so he would support cheating if that what the class wants… Is this really happening? Aaaargh, I don’t even know anymore!

Ginpachi made doubly sure to tell the disarrayed Shinpachi, “Accept your fate, Pachi-boy!”

“But, it’s against the rules to cheat. If we were to do such a thing…”

“Okay then!” yelled the irritated Ginpachi. “How about this? If you cheat in the test, I’ll suggest in my next staff meeting that we get the idol Tsu Terakado to do a concert for this year’s school festival! Can’t complain about that now, can ya?!”

Tsu…Terakado…

Shinpachi Shimura—the President of the Tsu Terakado fan club—felt like his insides had been struck by lightning. “There is no reason for me to complain!!! Listen up, fellow Otsu fan club members! Get to work on those cheating strategies ASAP! And make sure they’re airtight!” and just like that, Shinpachi had a change of heart.

“Right, in conclusion, we’re cheating,” said Ginpachi lighting up a new cigarette. “I assume you guys have some good ideas, right?” in response to their Homeroom teacher’s inquiry, the class could only um and ah as they tried to think of ways to cheat.

Writing answers on pencil boxes and rubber cases, passing on answers to the students next to you; several of these staple techniques have existed since time immemorial, and were simple enough to carry out. However, there was no getting around the fact that the whole class had to get a high score, and that those tried and true techniques weren’t really going to work on a larger scale. They needed to come up with a way to discreetly share answers around the whole class, otherwise this entire meeting would be for naught.

Before long, Hijikata raised his hand, “Sensei. Can I suggest something?”

“Let’s hear it then,” said Ginpachi, pointing at Hijikata who then explained his idea.

“We should use mayonnaise. We’ll write the answers on the blackboard with mayonnaise. Then before the test starts, we wipe it off. If it works, then the answers on the blackboard should sparkle when the light shines on it, shouldn’t it?”

“Anything else? Anything at all,” said Ginpachi averting his eyes away from Hijikata.

“You’ve already rejected it?! Would it kill you just to consider it a little more?!”

“Look here mayo-head, we live in the real world, not the mayonnaise kingdom,” with Hijikata quietly dissatisfied, Okita was about to stand up.

“Sensei, how about my idea?”

“Let’s hear it.”

“How about I knock out the test supervisor with a blunt weapon? Or maybe I could put the supervisor to sleep with chloroform?”

“Anything else? Anything at all?”

“I know, Sensei!” this time coming from Kondo, “How about we all master sign language with a sign language class? That way, we could tell each other the ans—”

“Anything else? Anything? I mean c’mon.”

“Sensei!” shouted Kagura who suddenly rose from her seat.

“I got a good idea, for real, for real!”

“For real real? Ugh, whatever. Let’s hear it then.”

“It’s going to be difficult pulling off a plan using only this class, yeah? That’s why we should borrow some help from outside the class.”

“Okay now,” said Ginpachi expressing interest. “Looks like there’s finally someone in this classroom who has some common sense. What’s the gist of your plan then?”

“He-he,” giggled Kagura as she explained her plan. “There’s a dog called Sadaharu in this school, yeah. Everything’ll be okay if we use Sadaharu,” looking at Kagura’s Sadaharu, you would assume he was some stray demon creature who had got himself lost in a school. Unbeknownst to the class, something had got itself lost in Gintama High School. Also unbeknownst to the class what that it was a giant brown-bear like dog called Sadaharu who had settled down in the school. Kagura was attached to the dog, being that she was the one who bestowed the name Sadaharu on him. However, if he had a chink in his furry armour, it would be playfully gnawing on human heads.

“Ooh. And how exactly are we going to use that dog?” asked Ginpachi.

“We’ll make Sadaharu bark from the schoolyard, yeah. If he barks one time, then the answer is A, if he barks two times, then the answer is B, something like that.”

“Now I understand,” said Ginpachi with a lamenting sigh. “Right, so we’ll make that dog…bark? Okay, sure. Here’s the thing though, who’s going to teach Sadaharu the answers? Like, how is that mutt going to be able to learn maths or English or anything? Aaaah, I’ve had it with this! Tell me something intelligible, China girl!”

“Did you get that, China girl?!” said Kagura as she grabbed Shinpachi’s collar.

“No, that’s what you are! You’re the one who falls under the categories of ‘China’ and ‘girl!’” as Shinpachi’s glasses slipped further down, his screams increased further in volume.

“I mean, for crying out loud, are you guys’ brains made out of Bavarian cream? Don’t you guys have any better ideas?” clearing up the question of whether he was irritated, Ginpachi spoke without even trying to hide it. “Take this for example, Tae Shimura. You could dazzle two of the teachers with your looks, like a one-two punch, and then you can give them a little…service. If it all works out, then they’ll tell you the questions ahead of the—” even though Ginpachi hadn’t finished speaking, something launched over from Tae’s direction. Flying at super-sonic speeds, a mechanical pencil grazed Ginpachi’s cheek as it stabbed itself into the blackboard. After the piercing bang like sound calmed, “Tehehe, oh Sensei. I’m not going to miss you the next time,” said Tae with a drawing compass in hand, giving a wry little smile.

“Aah, um, sorry about that… I didn’t really think that through…so, actually, yeah, I mean, I’m really sorry!” apologised Ginpachi, his face twitching with tension. At that moment, Shinpachi had suddenly realised a certain little something.

Wait… It’s all well and good coming up with ways to cheat, but aren’t we forgetting something crucial here? thought Shinpachi who decided to stand up and speak out.

“Uh, could I have a moment?”

“What is it, straight man?”

“Don’t call me by role, call me by name! By name!” gently easing his temper, Shinpachi continued. “Um, when we were going out of our way to come up with a plan, it felt like we were forgetting something important.”

“Oh really? When did you just up and become a master detective? Ya plain four-eyed straight man,” snarked Kagura.

“You called me plain, didn’t you? You called me plain just now, didn’t you?” Shinpachi thought he might be able to go toe to toe in a fight with the China girl, but on second thought, he decided to carry on with his speech.

“Here’s the thing, cheating is getting the test answers ahead of the test, and then discreetly glancing at them during test time, right? Like, say, for example, writing down mathematical formulas, a list of chemical symbols from the periodic table, or English syntax somewhere on you beforehand, that kind of cheating. But like here’s the other thing, not getting 80 points or above isn’t going to fly right now, and if we’re going to cheat, that degree of cheating isn’t going to give us the test score we need, is it? And that’s the other, other thing, in this case, we’re directly relying on those test answers, but where are we going to get those answers? And then, what sort of subject should we try cheating on in the first place? There’s just so many factors in play that we’d need to address that I feel like it’d be meaningless to think up some way to a cheat anyway, and I just don’t see what other…”

During Shinpachi’s long, winding monologue, the Bavarian cream like brains of Class 3Z utterly spaced out.

“Did you guys understand a thing I just said?” after Shinpachi asked this, both Ginpachi and the students were simultaneously silent. With their lacking academic abilities, they were dealing with a humongous task ahead of them, and the hush continued for a little while longer.

It wasn’t long before Ginpachi began to speak. “Yeah, um, Shinpachi. You’re basically saying that if we’re going to cheat, we have to first get the test answers?”

“Yes.”

“And then, before that, we have to settle on which subject we’re going to cheat on?”

“Yes, obviously.”

“Right, you see…” Ginpachi spoke with an empty smile on his face. “About the test answers. I can’t really acquire something like that.”

“But don’t you create the test questions, Ginpachi Sensei? If you create the questions in Japanese Language, then surely you have all the answers.”

“Nah, you see, the job of creating test questions belong to, how’d you put it, a normal teacher, who isn’t a straight man or a funny man.”

“So then you’re saying too abnormal for the job?” riposted Shinpachi, but Ginpachi didn’t respond back. Soon, the shortly silenced Ginpachi began to talk while considering his words carefully.

“In short, that’s what it’s like, I guess, Shinpachi? We…can’t cheat… Is what I’m saying, I guess?”

“Yeeeah,” responded Shinpachi with hand attached to chin, looking up at the ceiling. “See, I was also thinking my monologue was kinda long, but I guess everyone spaced out, huh.”

“I see. So I can’t get the answers, and we don’t know what the questions are… No, you cannot be serious, god damn it!” without warning, Ginpachi went and threw the chalk from the blackboard. Yellow and white chalk lodged themselves into Shinpachi’s nostrils, like video and sound cables plugged into a TV.

“What do we do now, what do we do now?!” screamed Ginpachi. “I was already going to cheat… I didn’t have any other plan in mind! Actually, you know what you’re like, Shinpachi? You’re sorta like today when I thought that I would eat curry at that curry place, but it was on break, and I’m like, ‘Hey, this place is just some curry restaurant, what the hell!’ That’s totally what this is like, isn’t it?! Wait, was it a curry restaurant?”

“The hell if I know!” said Shinpachi letting out a scream of agony as he extracted the chalks out of his nostrils. The thought of cheating had vanished into thin air. Upon this realisation and with their backs against the wall, Class 3Z had suddenly whipped themselves into a frenzy, leaving Shinpachi subjected to a critical stoning in a kangaroo court.

“Stop bullshitting us four-eyes!”

“You crushed all our dreams!”

“Shut up, like why are you guys going after me?!”

“Zip it, plain boy!”

“P-plain boy? Who said that? Who said that just now?!”

And just like that, Class 3Z went from one big dispute to another.

*

“Hmph, with their smarts, they’re probably not capable of something like cheating,” Headmaster Hata was filled with glee as he watched the CCTV footage on a laptop .

“So that’s what they really had in mind?” staying in character, the Vice-Head was on the sofa reading an issue of Akamaru Jump.

“Well this is a familiar sight. I mean, seriously, do you ever read the weekly edition of Jump?”

“A copy of Jump is still a copy of Jump.”

“Well, whatever you say,” replied the Headmaster returning his sights to the display. The 3Z gang were still in dispute. It was a spectacle similar to the kind of rowdy scuffles you’d see in the National Diet or in Pro baseball. Cheating was clearly beyond the shallow wits of the dimwit students, and Ginpachi wasn’t even the person who came up with the test questions in Japanese language, so the idea that they could get 80 points by cheating was impractical at best.

“Right then, Class 3Z. Just what are you going to do now? Ho ho ho ho,” went the cackle that reverberated throughout the Headmaster’s office.

*

“We’re in quite the pickle here…” said Shinpachi as he started to try and come up with something. “I don’t think we have any choice but to actually study, considering the test is only a week away,” while saying this, Shinpachi really did think to himself that they didn’t have a choice. The whole class, teacher included, were very much mistaken about trying to cheat.

“Whoa whoa, you mean genuinely study?” said Ginpachi intending to heckle him. “Like what’s even the point in doing that? Did you forget their brains being like Bavarian cream?”

Without feeling disheartened, Shinpachi repeated himself. “I imagine that it’ll be tiresome. But really, we should try to study. By genuinely studying hard, we’ll get the 80 points fair and square.”

“Oi, Shinpachi. Those’re some nice words ya got there, fair an’ square. I was finkin’ the same fing,” said Catherine.

Ah, at last someone agrees with me, thought Shinpachi who was teary-eyed. But when he looked in Catherine’s direction, he noticed that the cat-ear girl had both arms tattooed with math equations and English idioms from the upper arm to the forearm. “Wait, are you some kind of heavy metal bassist?! Nrgh, I don’t even understand my own retorts anymore!” Shinpachi aggressively threw the rubber that was next to him, but the cat-ear girl swiftly dodged it. “I’m telling you!” he screeched as he slammed his desk. “Forget about cheating! We’re studying! We. Are. Studying!”

“But look, Shimura,” said Hijikata. “If we’re going to study, then which subject should we pick? We’re going to not cheat, so I think we should now focus on narrowing down our options.”

“Definitely,” nodded Shinpachi in agreement. It’s not like evenly spreading our study time across the test subjects would be a good idea, would it? After all, we’re all idiots, hehe. Studying all the subjects would explode our tiny, little brains, tee-hee. “So, which subject shall we focus on?” he asked, to which Kagura immediately raised her hand.

“Potato digging!”

“No,” interjected Ginpachi.

“Wall newspapers!” went the opinion of Okita.

“Also no. At least name a subject, guys.”

“Healthcare science. Where we explore the inner workings of impregnation.”

“Hmm. I guess that would be your field of expertise, Tae Shimura. Ah, wait, I’m sorry, don’t throw pointy things at me!”

“How about calculating unemployment insurance payments?” asked Hasegawa.

“What are you, a social security lawyer? Can’t say I’m not kinda impressed though.”

“Quit mucking around, guys!” said Kondo as he lost his temper. “This isn’t the time or place for a comedy routine! Let me have a crack at this! How does gymnastic formation sound, Sensei?!”

“As long as you don’t mind cracking a few bones. Seriously, not even sports science universities have exams on that.”

“Couldn’t we…do English?” thinking that now seemed the best time, Shinpachi put himself forward. “I think we’ll probably have an easier time studying if we pick English. Thing is, there’s a little something I know.”

“A little something?” asked Ginpachi narrowing his eyes.

Shinpachi nodded in confirmation. “You all know about it, right? That textbook we’re using for early term test English. There has to be at least three questions set in the exam from that applied questions textbook. If we completely memorize those questions ahead of the test, then that’s probably 20 points in the bag.”

English, eh? Hmm. Class 3Z would ponder this idea for a little while. Then eventually,

“English is well ’ard, tho,” said Catherine.

“Wait, that seems weird!” rebutted Shinpachi. “I would’ve thought of you as someone who had English as a forte! Your name’s Catherine for crying out loud!”

“Well, that’s cos I speak, wotsit called, the Queen’s English…”

“The Queen’s English? Do you even know what that means?! Like c’mon!” about to blow through the roof, Shinpachi’s voice blew up. “We don’t have a choice but to study English! We know that the set questions from the textbook come up to 20 points. That leaves 60. If we study like our lives depend on it, we’ll just about make it!”

“You know, he’s got a point there,” the students were still continuing to mutter among themselves. It was there that Ginpachi spoke up.

“Given our situation, there’s no point idly chattering among ourselves. Shinpachi, I’m giving your idea the go ahead. From this point onwards every day until test day, we’ll study English in after-school hours.”

“Sensei…” Shinpachi was filled with a sense of relief. Something about it felt odd to him, studying in after school hours to avoid after school lessons, but even so, he was filled with a sense of relief.

He’s about 98% pure garbage, but you know, there may just be something worthwhile in the other 2%… thought Ginpachi looking at Shinpachi. “You hear that, you lot? We’re through with cheating,” said Ginpachi in conclusion. “We’re doing early-term test English. Study it with all you got, and you’ll get 80 points or above for sure. If you don’t, you’ll be reciting ancient Japanese poems while working a vaulting box.”

“Has anything changed since this morning?!” someone retorted, but hey, at least Class 3Z just about managed to hold itself together.

*

“Dear oh dear, it’s sickening, isn’t it? The mood in that classroom. It’s like they’ve actually started to get along with each other.”

Gazing at the display, the Vice-Head knocked a bulky Jump volume onto his own shoulders. “I never realised how thick these monthly editions are…”

As he watched the surveillance camera footage, the Headmaster was dismayed. “…With everyone united like this, they’ll pass the test! Oooh, I absolutely won’t tolerate this gleefully youthful atmosphere. Damn you, Ginpachi…”

*

The following day after the “How do you do an early-term test? Emergency strategy meeting,” the after school studying session had begun, with English being the subject of study. Even so, the class were only starting to come to grips with the subject in their effort to completely memorise the textbook exercises.

“I-I know better than to…meaning I am not stupid enough to do X… I-I know better than to…meaning I am not stupid enough to do X… It means I am…not…stupid…” Kondo, who was struggling with the idiom questions, all of a sudden just couldn’t deal with it any longer. “Grrhhh! Th-this is impossible! There no way I can completely memorize all these questions…”

“Don’t you talk so pitifully in front of me!” hollered Ginpachi as he wore a jersey and held a bamboo sword for whatever reason. “You’re not trying to become an English native here! All you have to do is remember the answers to write down for those questions! Now quit your daydreaming at once!” as Ginpachi bashed him with a bamboo sword, Kondo would slowly but surely wake up his body.

“…Uughh, this entrance exam English, it sure is ’ard…” overhearing Catherine’s grumbling,

“Can it, cat girl! Memorize this entrance exam English this instant!” screamed Ginpachi who was about to smack the bamboo sword onto the floor.

“Let’s see…after Mike wraps Nancy’s body with a straw rope, he holds a leather whip…”

“Okitaa! That sort of thing won’t be in the exam!”

“A…apple. B…book. C…cat.”

“What kind of high school English is that, china girl?!”

“‘Are you happy?’ an autobiography by Eikichi Yazawa…”

“English titles on Japanese rock star auto-biographies don’t count, Hasegawa! And you just irritate me, Shinpachi!” said Ginpachi as he swung his bamboo sword onto Shinpachi’s back eight times.

“Ooow! Hey, why are you taking out your anger on me?! The hell kinda teacher are you supposed to be?!”

“Shut up! I’m only doing this cos none of you numbskulls are taking this seriously enough!” roared Ginpachi, but nonetheless, students all around Class 3Z weren’t getting used to studying and were, against their better judgment, trying to escape their fate of being total idiots. However, as the study session moved along, the variations of idiocy also fell. The students couldn’t help but reach a point where they came to grips with their textbooks.

Do your best, everyone, thought Shinpachi. It might be tiring, but things like this…they’re what youth is all about!

“Stop giggling like an idiot!” said Ginpachi as he bashed Shinpachi with his bamboo sword.

Day three of the study sessions:

Things had got so dire, sentiments such as “they’re what youth is all about!” felt like distant memories. With a little over three days of cramming, the already study-allergic Class 3Z was already reaching their limit, with their lower eyelids darkened, and their cheeks scrawny and hollow. Even with their less objectionable studying methods, Katsura was foaming at the mouth from nausea, Kagura was getting auditory hallucinations, and Hasegawa ended up with an odd quirk in which he started eating sunglasses. Already coughing up blood on the first day, by the third and current day, Kondo was suffering from the triple whammy of coughing blood, vomiting blood and shitting blood.

This was the state Class 3Z found themselves in, with many students’ health in a dire state.

“Guess I haven’t got a choice now,” said Ginpachi surveying the grogginess of the students. “There’s going to be a mass grave in this classroom before the test even comes. First aider!” The female student in the seat left of Hedoro stood straight up in response.

“Did you call for me, Sensei?” answered the female student, who wore cell-frame glasses, and had long hair spilling onto her shoulders. Her name was Ayame Sarutobi, otherwise known as Sacchan.

“First aider, starting now, you’ll be providing first aid to students in need. Perk these guys up,” commanded Ginpachi to the appointed Sacchan whose cheeks faintly blushed in agreement. She began by briefly surveying the situation inside the classroom.

Before long, she zeroed in on the lone student Kondo, and before she got to his seat, “you seem like the most ill person here, don’t you?” she seemed to say with an alluring voice.

“Ah, no, me…?” said Kondo with a quivering tone.

“Yeah, I mean you. From now on I’m going to…perk you up real good,” as Sacchan said this, she tucked her right hand into her left arm cuff. At the very next moment, there appeared, around 30 centimetres in length, a giant needle grasped in her right hand. “Here’s some acupuncture,” her voice was filled with energy as she wore a blank expression. “Now, where would your acupuncture point be? The one that’ll make you feel all better?”

“Yeah, where would it be… I don’t know, so I think you’re better off not—” the petrified Kondo, with what little energy he had left, indicated his intent to resist, but it was too little, too late. He was pressed down on top of the desk, his trousers and underwear dropped completely.

“Probably here, I bet.”

“Wait, s-stop it… Stop it, quit it, stop it, quit it, stop it, quit iiiiiiit!” immediately following his scream of sheer debauchery, Kondo had ascended, temporarily freed from his mortal coil.

“Umm, Sacchan, enemas and acupuncture are different thi—” stopping Shinpachi in the middle of his retort was yet another lurid scene.

“Okay, okay! Time for some fighting spirit, you guys!” said Ginpachi as he slammed his desk repeatedly. “If you don’t buckle up, our first aider will perk you up real good!” Sacchan listened to Ginpachi while feeling shy about it herself.

“Uh, Sakata Sensei. If I start to fall behind, could you also…perk me up?”

“Uh, um, what kind of request is that? Like, hell no,” said Ginpachi with his face reflexively stiffened.

Well anyway, even with their abnormally behaving teacher and brutal first-aider’s support (a.k.a. coercion), all of Class 3Z continued to stand firm in these tiger pit like study sessions. With the textbook memorized by rote, anymore study would have to be done on their own. To Class 3Z, that would be just as difficult as bunny hopping up the Tower of Babel drunk.

Over the course of a week, they kept at it and did the very best they could. Even in spite of their physical and mental exhaustion, they somehow still managed to find some fight for the study sessions.

And then, the big day finally arrived.

*

…Hey, these questions are totally different!

The very day of the test.

Looking at his assigned question paper, Shinpachi was internally screaming. Huh? No no no, what are these questions? The…textbook… That textbook we desperately memorized in full, I can’t see its questions anywhere! This unforeseen circumstance wasn’t the only thing the class had to worry about. Given that they had to get 60 points outside of rote memorisation, Shinpachi and the rest of the students had done all the self-study they could this past week.

In order to fully translate the long passages from the textbook to Japanese, they memorized new vocabulary, where to place stress in words, idioms and so on. They had exhausted all the possible methods. Yet despite all that, their efforts were utterly useless in the face of the difficult questions that came one after another.

In their test paper, unknown vocabulary and idioms were on full display.

In our textbook, this long passage should be Nancy, Mike and Bob getting dragged into some minor trouble at the airport, and reacting to it like “ah shit,” but in this paper, it’s Eric, Vincent, and Glenda, and they’re talking about environmental issues, I think? Or is it continental? Wait, maybe it’s intercontinental? But then, surely an issue so big would be transcontinental? Aaaargh! I don’t fucking know!!! Shinpachi had turned pale, his face blushing with a colour like that of a bad liver. Then, suddenly behind him to his left came a cracking sound. When he looked for the source of the fleeting sound, Kondo with an incredible look on his face was glaring towards Shinpachi. In the palm of his hand was a broken mechanical pencil.

You twat, what the hell’s going on?! None of what we’ve studied even came up! Kondo seemed to say with only his eyes. After that, various cracking sounds came from here, there, and everywhere that were also from broken mechanical pencils. The originators of the sounds were all of the 3Z students, facing him with gazes filled with killing intent.

“You bastard, isn’t this different from what you said it’d be?”

“E-even so!” said Shinpachi who wanted to cry his eyes out. “It’s just, I didn’t think there was any way these difficult questions would ever be in the test. Also, up until the test, it looked like the questions from the textbook were going to come up! Damn it! I can’t hold the tears back anymore!” but, even if he did cry, it wouldn’t have changed anything. That was the only thing he could do in the face of these questions. Regardless, he knew that getting 80 points in the test was mostly, no, almost certainly impossible.

In a corner of the classroom leaning on the wall was the test supervisor, Ginpachi. With cigarette in mouth, he had his eyes fixed silently on the “Sugar content” scroll above the blackboard.

*

—You’re making a big fuss over nothing. Just pipe down already. What millions died that Caesar might be great? He’s certainly no Caesar, believe you me.

Gintama high school’s early-term test was over; all of the subject tests in all of the classes had been handed back. Afterwards, Class 3Z wondered what their results would look like. Although really, what was there to wonder? There wasn’t a single student who had obtained 80 points or above on the test paper. If anything was blatantly obvious, it was that. Focusing on the single subject of English, they studied it until they had one foot in the grave, but despite that, the English in that test turned out to be astonishingly difficult.

It was now homeroom…

“I’ve made my mind up, yeah!” said Kagura. At a moment when the class atmosphere had crashed right back down to a new low, Kagura continued. “I’m going to trade my English text book for toilet paper, yeah!”

“You sure like trading stuff for toilet paper, huh,” said Ginpachi in a cold tone.

“But look!” said Kondo with a booming voice. “A textbook that didn’t come up on the school’s internal tests isn’t a textbook anymore! It’s a ‘if you’re a person who loves studying English, go right ahead’ book!”

“‘How about you quit it shouting about it in your gorilla voice’” book, Kondo?!” replied Ginpachi.

“That doesn’t sound like a book at all!” Kondo fired back, but perhaps due to gloomy mood of the class, it backfired instead. There was no doubting it; from this point onwards, Class 3Z would take supplementary lessons every single day. And of course, Ginpachi’s salary would also be cut.

“Everybody, I’m so sorry!” readying himself to apologise, Shinpachi stood up. “It’s all my fault. All because I decided to focus on English… All because I went with that textbook… I’m so, so sorry,” The classroom fell silent. It wasn’t too long before Ginpachi gently spoke up.

“Shinpachi. Raise your head,” he said with a forgiving tone.

“Sensei…”

“There was nothing we could do about any of this. We gave it everything we had. And well, even though the results weren’t quite there, the class united together to better themselves. I’d rather celebrate that aspect of this whole affair.”

“Zenze…” ah damn it! Now the tears won’t stop!

“But regardless, Shinpachi,” giving off a small smile, Ginpachi was for a short while in-between two emotional states, “it really was all your damn faaaaault!” All of a sudden Ginpachi had completely changed, and his yelling increased in volume. “This was all for nothing!” and right on cue, the students started to rush down on Shinpachi like a swarm.

“You making fun of us?!”

“Dickhead!”

“So much for the honest way, prick!”

“Spare a tear for us!”

“Out of my way, I get to pummel him first!”

“Piss off!”

Abuse of all kinds rained down incessantly on Shinpachi. Fists, foot soles, karate chops, fire extinguishers.

“H-hold on!” shouted Shinpachi from the hypocentre of the violence. “The class didn’t unite to better themselves, they just united to batter me!”

It was that very moment that the sliding door at the front of the classroom opened.

“Aaaaaa-ha-ha-haaa,” went the high and mighty laugh coming from both Headmaster Hata and the Vice-Head. “My my, it looks like I’ve intruded into this class right at its violent peak,” said Hata as he rose up to the teacher’s podium and stood by Ginpachi’s side. The ring of violence surrounding Shinpachi had dispersed by now, and everyone had returned to their own seats.

“What’s the purpose of this?” asked Ginpachi with no visible emotion.

“Oh no no, there isn’t a so called purpose. I just thought that I should gaze upon the visages of you failures if only for a short while,” the way he said this boiled the cosmos of murderous impulse raging within the students of Class 3Z. The Headmaster continued, “By the way, you useless students probably know this already, but your supplementary lessons will be starting in after-school hours today. You’ll also have to go to school on the weekend to take supplementary lessons. In addition, Sakata Sensei will take a 10% pay cut. I bet you forgot about that, didn’t you?”

“I assumed you’d bring up that, Headmaster,” replied Ginpachi as he blew cigarette smoke onto the Headmaster. “But there’s something about all this that I just can’t wrap my head around.”

“And what might that be?” despising the smoke, the Headmaster gave a look back to Ginpachi.

“Me and my class of dimwits betted on the English test. But something was real off. The questions seemed way too difficult for a test in this school. They were more like something you’d see at an elite high school.”

“Ho ho ho…” the Headmaster interrupted his laugh for a small moment. “I mean really, this is Gintama High School, not La Salle High School, Nada High School, or some other elite school.”

“Look, I know that perfectly well. There’s only one thing I want cleared up. Why were the questions so difficult for just that test?” there was an unusually frightening touch to Ginpachi’s voice, and before the Headmaster knew it, the vibe of the classroom had become ice cold.

“Ho, ho ho ho, why it seems that now is the time to explain to you what happened. For a thing such as test difficulty level, it all depends on the time and circumstances.”

“The time and circumstances?” said Ginpachi as he pushed his drooping glasses ever so slightly up. “So this was instigated by you guys after all. Did you make the English teachers put those ridiculously hard questions on the test?”

“On what basis do you claim such a thing?” said the Headmaster as his purple face turned a vermillion red. “We didn’t have any way of knowing you imbeciles would have betted on English. Isn’t that right, Vice-Head?”

“That’s just how it be. Ah, I mean, that is certainly the case.”

“So you had no way of knowing… Don’t make me laugh,” Ginpachi quietly muttered as he clenched his right fist. The Headmaster was visibly flustered.

“H-hey, buddy… V-v-v-v-violence is…”

“Sensei, don’t do it!” shouted Shinpachi as he reflexively stood up from his seat. I know he’s annoying, believe me. But if you hit him, our weekends are done for. But Shinpachi’s warning was to no avail, for Ginpachi had already swung his clenched fist.

“Grrraaaah!”

However, it curved right before the Headmaster’s eyes, skimming his nose, and slamming into the blackboard.

Bang!

The dramatic sound echoed throughout the classroom as the Headmaster and Vice-Head had their eyes shut in anticipation.

Due to the impact of the punch, the scroll framed above the blackboard separated and crashed down to the floor. As the sound of glass breaking and the sound of the wooden frame splintering into pieces echoed throughout the classroom, the “Sugar Content” scroll gently fell onto the floor.

“Well, well,” said Ginpachi. “So, Headmaster, what’s the meaning behind that surveillance camera in there?” with Ginpachi’s words, the whole class shifted their attention to above the blackboard where the frame was originally hoisted.

“Wha?” Shinpachi let his voice slip as he noticed the camera lens sticking out of the wall.

“Uh, umm, that’s…” said the Headmaster as he tripped over his own voice.

I see, thought Shinpachi as he went to the gap in question. He used this camera… That’s how he knew we were going to study English, Shinpachi’s chest increasingly simmered with anger.

“He recorded video of me with that camera. I’ll never get married now, yeah!” said Kagura outraged, although this time nobody was listening.

But hold on. By hiding the camera behind the frame, how was it even possible for him to record video of us? although Shinpachi harboured doubts of his own, Ginpachi began to explain.

“What a dirty, underhanded method to use. You sneakily placed the camera on the other side of the picture frame, about midway through the left part of the first kanji character. It was the perfect place to open up a hole, and get a real good peek,” the gist of Ginpachi’s words was clear enough.

A gap was punctured through the scroll paper and a hole was dug into the wall. From that hole, the surveillance camera recorded video of Class 3Z.

“With the surveillance camera in place, you could secretly spy on my classroom, Headmaster,” said Ginpachi with a cold, cutting tone. “I wonder what the PTA or the Heisei Board of Education would make of this?”

“Uh, that isn’t even a real board of education,” after the Headmaster spoke with an ever-receding voice, he thrusted a finger towards Ginpachi. “Well, I mean, do you even have any evidence that I set up that camera?!”

“It’s evidence this, evidence that with you, isn’t it?” said Ginpachi blowing some smoke. “You really are the worst there is at knowing when to give up.”

“Heh, but you can’t really say that it’s connected to me without any evidence now, can you? And as long as it stays that way, I’ll be coming out on top! I’m higher up on the ladder than you, so the Board of Education is going to trust my side of the story!”

“Bastard…” the swaying Ginpachi stepped up to the Headmaster.

He’ll batter him for sure this time… for a moment, Shinpachi held his breath.

“This ends right now,” from the back of the classroom, someone spoke up.

All eyes faced towards the source of the voice. Reclined on the back wall of the classroom smoking a cigarette was none other than Gintama High School’s Board Chairwoman, Ayano Terada, otherwise known as Otose. Stylishly wearing a thinly inked kimono, she was the queen of the night, or in this case, more like the mother of the school.

“Chairwoman…” groaned the Headmaster.

“Headmaster. This nonsense of yours has been going on since before you came here. You called the English teachers up to your office and instructed them to make the test absurdly hard,” said the Chairwoman as she pulled a roll of tape from her sleeve.

“And I’ve got all of it recorded right here.”

“You’re kidding me!” said the Headmaster reacting in a clichéd fashion, taken aback by the claims. “I mean, honestly. A bug? The Chairwoman of all people set up a bug in my office?”

“That makes us even, I suppose. Talk all you want, but it also emerged during your conversation with the English teachers that you set up the surveillance camera in this room. You can’t slither your way out of this one.”

Taking in a gulp, the Headmaster was lost for words. The Chairwoman spoke to Ginpachi with a quiet whisper. “Here’s the thing with the Headmaster. He was annoyed that your students liked you even though you’re a listless slacker. That’s why he acted the way he did.”

“Tch, what a pathetic little man he is,” said Ginpachi with a single glance at the Headmaster who snorted his nose.

“It’s because I, because I…” whimpered the Headmaster on the verge of tears.

“At any rate,” said the Chairwoman blowing a long thin trail of smoke, “it’s about time we wrap up this boring little quarrel. Class 3Z’s supplementary lessons and Ginpachi’s salary cut are no more. And, Ginpachi, don’t go tattling about this incident to anyone relevant. That shouldn’t be a problem for you, should it?” Sighing, Ginpachi faintly nodded in agreement.

“If that’s what the chairwoman says, then that’s just how it’ll be,” he then turned around to speak to the Headmaster.

“You heard the lady, Headmaster. Those supplementary lessons are history. And in addition, my salary will also be upped 10%.”

“I said nothing about upping your damn salary!” sternly rebuked the Chairwoman who as ever liked to speak with a razor-sharp tongue.

“I-I’ll be going now…” with an ever-receding voice, the Headmaster capitulated.

“Well, looks like you lost this time,” said the Vice-Head in a commiserating manner, laying a hand on the Headmaster’s shoulder.

“Uhh, you’re part of the team here! Don’t start acting like you were a bystander!” as the furious Headmaster and the calm Vice-Head carried on bickering, they left the 3Z classroom.

And that was that. Generally speaking, the hardships were a thing of the past for now. Shinpachi breathed a sigh of relief looking over the whole class. They all had a relieved look on their faces. At that moment, Ginpachi was blowing on his right fist that he had slammed into the blackboard.

Sensei… thought Shinpachi. To me, you just looked like a totally clueless teacher…but how can I say this? Just now, if only for a little bit, you were so cool… he was embarrassed that the only feeling he had inside his heart was that one. He could never let such a thing pop out of his mouth.

The Chairwoman breathed a huge sigh of relief. “Right, and with that, I’ll now excuse myself,” said the Chairwoman ready to exit the classroom. It was at that moment that Ginpachi raised his voice.

“Chairwoman.”

“What is it?” asked the chairwoman who stopped but didn’t turn her head around. Ginpachi had this to say.

“You’re a lifesaver. Until you came at the last possible second, I was wondering whether you’d even be introduced in lesson one.”

After the Chairwoman let out a laugh, she pointed at the remains of the picture frame, where broken pieces of wood and glass were still scattered. “Over there. You should really clean that up.”

The sliding door then banged shut.

*

It was the following day. Sneakily appearing by the Headmaster’s office for a short visit was Ginpachi.

“Headmaster.”

“Wh-what now? If it’s about yesterday—” interrupting the flustered Headmaster, Ginpachi spoke.

“This is different. I haven’t come here to bother you about yesterday.”

“Th-then what are you here for?”

“Well, you see, here’s the thing,” with his voice lowering further, Ginpachi continued. “That surveillance camera of yours. Is it, say, recording the female changing room?”

“……” The Headmaster was speechless.

“Man, you might not qualify as a teacher after all,” muttered the Vice-Head who had a copy of V Jump nestled in his armpit.

END

Note: This is a heavily redone translation of chapter 1. If you have read this before and noticed that a lot of things seem different, this is why.

To read my updated translator’s notes for this chapter, click this link below:

https://wp.me/p9i05i-1J

To read chapter 2, click this link:

https://hughsmiscallenouscollectionofstuff.wordpress.com/2018/01/07/gintama-year-3-class-z-ginpachi-sensei-novel-1-lesson-2/